Who's doing the Shema?

(... no, Who's doing the candle lighting!)

©Joel Colman
adapted from "Who's on First" by Abbott & Costello

Cantor:
Rabbi, I understand that you will not be here next Shabbat.

Rabbi:
Well that's true Cantor, why do you ask?

Cantor:
Well, I was wondering if you could give me the names of the people that will be doing the different parts of the service.

Rabbi:
Well okay, but we have new group of members that will be leading the service.

Cantor:
Ok, no problem, just give me their names.

Rabbi:
Remember though, these people have peculiar names. Now next Friday night, we have Who's doing the Candle Lighting, What is doing the Shema, and I Don't Know is doing the Kiddish.

Cantor:
That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the people doing the service.

Rabbi:
I'm telling you. Who's doing the Candle Lighting, What is the doing the Shema, and I Don't Know is doing the Kiddish.

Cantor:
You know the peoples' names?

Rabbi:
Yes.

Cantor:
Well, then, who's doing the Candle Lighting?

Rabbi:
Yes.

Cantor:
I mean the person doing the Candle Lighting.

Rabbi:
Who.

Cantor:
The person's name that is doing the Candle Lighting.

Rabbi:
Who.

Cantor:
The person doing the Candle Lighting.

Rabbi:
Who is doing the Candle Lighting.

Cantor:
Well, what are you asking me for?

Rabbi:
I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Who is doing the Candle Lighting.

Cantor:
I'm asking you, who is doing the Candle Lighting?

Rabbi:
That's the woman's name.

Cantor:
That's who's name?

Rabbi:
Yes.

Cantor:
Well, go ahead and tell me.

Rabbi:
Who.

Cantor:
The person doing the Candle Lighting.

Rabbi:
Who.

Cantor:
The person doing the blessing for the Candle Lighting?

Rabbi:
Who is doing the Candle Lighting.

Cantor:
Have you got someone doing the Candle Lighting?

Rabbi:
Why certainly.

Cantor:
Well, all I'm trying to find out is what's the name of the person doing the candle blessing?

Rabbi:
On, no, no. What is doing the Shema.

Cantor:
I'm not asking you who's doing the Shema.

Rabbi:
Who's doing the Candle Lighting.

Cantor:
That's what I'm trying to find out.

Rabbi:
Well, don't change the people around.

Cantor:
I'm not changing anybody.

Rabbi:
Now take it easy.

Cantor:
What is the name of the person doing the Candle Lighting?

Rabbi:
What's the name of the guy doing the Shema.

Cantor:
I'm not asking you who's doing the Shema.

Rabbi:
Who's doing the Candle Lighting.

Cantor:
I don't know.

Rabbi:
He's doing the Kiddish. We're not talking about him.

Cantor:
How could I get to the Kiddish?

Rabbi:
You mentioned the guys name.

Cantor:
If I mentioned the name of the guy doing the Kiddish, who did I say is doing the Kiddish?

Rabbi:
No, Who's doing the Candle Lighting.

Cantor:
Stay out of the Candle Lighting, will you.

Rabbi:
Please, now what is it you'd like to know?

Cantor:
What is the fellow's name doing the Kiddish?

Rabbi:
What is the fellow's name doing the Shema.

Cantor:
I'm not asking you who's doing the Shema.

Rabbi:
Who's doing the Candle Lighting.

Cantor:
I don't know.

Cantor and Rabbi (in unison):
The Kiddish!

Cantor:
When you call up person doing the Candle Lighting, who stands up?

Rabbi:
Certainly.

Cantor:
Who stands up?

Rabbi:
That's right.

Cantor:
When you read that person's name out loud, who stands up?

Rabbi:
Yes. Though sometimes her husband comes up with her.

Cantor:
Who's husband?

Rabbi:
Yes.

Cantor:
Oy. Look, are we doing a Torah service?

Rabbi:
Oh, absolutely.

Cantor:
The person's name leading the Torah service?

Rabbi:
Why.

Cantor:
I don't know. I just thought I'd ask.

Rabbi:
Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

Cantor:
Then tell me who's doing the Torah service?

Rabbi:
Who's doing the Candle Lighting.

Cantor:
Stay out of the Candle Lighting. I want to know what's the fellow's name doing the Torah service.

Rabbi:
What is doing the Shema.

Cantor:
I'm not asking you who's doing the Shema.

Rabbi:
Who is doing the Candle Lighting!

Cantor:
I don't know.

Cantor and Rabbi (unison):
The Kiddish!

Cantor:
I can't take this.

Rabbi:
Now come on relax.

Cantor:
Once again, please tell me the person's name doing the Torah Service?

Rabbi:
Why.

Cantor:
Because.

Rabbi:
Oh, he's doing the Avot.

Cantor:
Wait a minute. Will there be an usher next week?

Rabbi:
Wouldn't this be a fine temple without an usher.

Cantor:
I don't know. Tell me the usher's name.

Rabbi:
Tomorrow.

Cantor:
You don't want to tell me today?

Rabbi:
I'm telling you, man.

Cantor:
Then go ahead.

Rabbi:
Tomorrow.

Cantor:
What time?

Rabbi:
What time what?

Cantor:
What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's the usher?

Rabbi:
Now listen, Who is not the usher. Who is doing ...

Cantor:
I'll break your arm if you say who is doing the Candle Lighting.

Rabbi:
Then why did you ask me?

Cantor:
I want to know what's the usher's name!

Rabbi:
What is doing the Shema.

Cantor:
I don't know.

Cantor and Rabbi (unison):
The Kiddish!

Cantor:
Do we have a board member who will be doing the announcements next week?

Rabbi:
Yes.

Cantor:
The board members name?

Rabbi:
Today.

Cantor:
Today. And Tomorrow's the usher.

Rabbi:
Now you've got it.

Cantor:
That's all. This temple has got a couple of days in the Sanctuary. That's all.

Rabbi:
Well, I can't help that. What do you want me to do?

Cantor:
I'm a good speaker you know.

Rabbi:
I know that.

Cantor:
I would like do a sermon on Friday night services one evening.

Rabbi:
Well, I might arrange that.

Cantor:
Now I give the sermon and tomorrows the usher.

Rabbi:
OK.

Cantor:
Now when I begin to speak, the usher closes the door to the sanctuary.

Rabbi:
Yes.

Cantor:
Tomorrow closes the door, and me being a good speaker, I first wait for who to do the Candle Lighting.

Rabbi:
Now, that's the first thing you've said right!

Cantor:
I don't even know what I'm talking about.

Rabbi:
Well, that's all you have to do.

Cantor:
I wait for who.

Rabbi:
Yes.

Cantor:
And who's reading?

Rabbi:
Naturally.

Cantor:
Who's reading?

Rabbi:
Naturally.

Cantor:
Naturally.

Rabbi:
Naturally.

Cantor:
I wait for Naturally.

Rabbi:
No, you wait for Who!

Cantor:
Naturally.

Rabbi:
Naturally.

Cantor:
So I wait for who.

Rabbi:
Naturally.

Cantor:
Same as you! Same as you!

Rabbi:
You wait for Who. Who reads it.

Cantor:
It better be read!

Rabbi:
That's it. All right now, don't get excited. Take it easy.

Cantor:
Now I wait for who, and then I sing after What reads the the Shema.

Rabbi:
Uh-huh.

Cantor:
Who sits downs, What sits down, and I don't know will be reading the Kiddish, and Tomorrow closes the door.

Rabbi:
Makes sense to me.

Cantor:
Then I give a sermon after Today sits down. Why? I don't know, and I don't give a darn.

Rabbi:
What was that?

Cantor:
I said, I don't give a darn.

Rabbi:
Oh, that's our Temple President.

Just in case you wanted to test the audience...

At least one other Jewish variant of this routine exists "Abbott & Costello Learn Hebrew".
Written by Rabbi Jack Moline in 1988.
You can find the text at "Codex: Biblical Studies Blogspot".
If you know of another variant, please let me know.